For I Am Broken
by bookie97
Summary: *Spoilers for Allegiant so small summary inside* Note: mild language and suggestive suicide theme so don't read it if you don't like that kind of thing.
1. Chapter 1

**Although I loved the final book in the Divergent series, I've wanted to write a fanfic on a extended ending to Allegiant and this is just my brain mind vomiting onto the page about what happens to my favourite male character and everything else after Tris's ashes are scattered. Hope you enjoy and any feedback is much appreciated :) **

**Disclaimer: Any and all characters and settings belong to the amazing Veronica Roth and the Divergent series:)**

**_CHAPTER 1: For one cannot see without a light._**

_I walk to the edge of the building, my feet scuffing the ground with each step. _

_Normally I'd feel fear, a fear of falling, a fear of shattering my bones on the concrete below. Not today. Today I would be shattered long before my body hit the pavement for I am already broken. _

_The wind stirs my knotted hair and dances between my fingers, begging me to bask in the warmth of the rising sun. Warmth doesn't reach me though. I am a dark, empty void for one cannot see in the dark without a light. My light is gone, taken from me by a man who thought he could play God. _

_My light, my Tris. _

_A tear rolls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. 'As if anyone could see me up here.' I think to myself. We were going to have a life together, free of factions, rules, simulations, war. We would finally be free. But no, Tobias Eaton doesn't get a happy ending, he never has. I wasn't there to protect her and now she's dead. I clench my fists till my nails draw blood. If I was there she'd still be alive, it's my fault. _

"_Tobias?" _

_I look towards the voice I know better than my own name. _

"_What are you doing?" she asks, locking her worry-filled gaze onto mine. _

"_I've had enough." I say simply, turning back to the fiery sky. _

"_No you haven't." she says touching my blood-covered hand, soft as a feather. _

"_Yes. I. Have. You left me Tris. You promised. You said you wanted to live!" I have lost all patience with talking quietly and my tears are flowing freely. I don't care. _

_She grabs my face and turns it back to her. Her eyes are shining with unshed tears and her lips are turned down in her trademark frown. "You don't want to give up. I don't want you to give up. All the people who love you don't want you to give up. Promise me; promise me you won't give up." _

"_No. You promised you would never leave me again, yet you did. I will promise you nothing." Tearing my face from her grip I take another step forwards and ignore the insistent pulling on my arm. _

"_Please, no! I love you! PLEASE!" _

"_I love you, Tris." _

_I take the final step into nothingness and drop, her high pitched screams dying in the wind. Some part of my brain is screaming. I ignore it. That part of me that felt fear, that felt anything, died along with her. _

_The biting wind pushes my hair back and arms out. How could I have been scared of this? This isn't scary, this isn't exhilarating. It's freedom. No wonder she loved zip-lining so much. I see the concrete rising up to meet me and the screaming voice in my head reaches its crescendo. I close my eyes. _

_BANG! _

_I open my eyes. I've stopped but the wind still rushes past my fingers and pulls at my clothes and hair. _

_BANG, BANG, BANG! _

_The world tilts and I'm thrown sideways. I'm tumbling into darkness. _

_BANG, BANG, BANG! _

_There is nothing. I am nothing._

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

BANG, BANG, BANG!

I pry my eyes open and see cracks. Cracks that snake up the wall, twist, turn, all originating from one impact point. One catalyst that changed this wall. I am like the wall. One catalyst changed me, broke me, and shattered me beyond repair. Though unlike the wall, my damage is hidden, seen only by me, felt only by me. I run my fingers over the cracks. How something so small can weaken the overall structure of something used to elude me. Now I know.

BANG, BANG, BANG!

"Four, I swear if you don't open this door in 10 seconds, I will knock it off its hinges again!"

I pull myself from my reverie and drag myself out of bed. My apartment is small and tidy; a stiffs house. I walk to the door and unlock it.

"Took you long enough." Zeke says, barging into the room. I no longer care who invades my space. I no longer care about anything.

"Can I help you?" I ask, dropping myself onto the couch.

"Yea, I was wondering if you could help me find my friend. He's about 6 foot 4, dark hair, smells like he's been sleeping in a manure pile and wanders around like a lost puppy. Come on man. No one's seen you in a week. Where have you been?" I just shrug me shoulders with indifference.

He sits down next to me and stares unflinchingly. "Look, I know. You miss her. We all do, but you can't just stop doing… everything! You don't think I miss my brother! I miss him every goddamn day but I don't stop living because he's gone. I dedicate every stupid ass thing that I do to him." His voice drops with sadness and my gaze wanders to the crack in the wall.

''It's been three years. You seemed to be doing alright but then you started shutting yourself out again." I glare at the crack in the wall. He huffs in frustration then abruptly stands.

"You. Up. Now. We're going to the farms and you're coming with us." He says firmly.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Four."

"Zeke."

"I will drag your sorry ass out that door one way or another."

A smirk tugs up the corners of my lips. "I'd like to see you try."

The hint of a smile plays at his mouth before he is back to his stoic expression. "Look, come with us for a few hours and we'll leave you alone for another week."

I glare at him long and hard but he returns it with a look of unflinching resolve. I know I'm being an asshole and a pathetic excuse for a friend but for some reason I no longer care. Since when have I let my Abnegation side disappear completely? _You know when…_ a voice in my head replied. I run a hand though my short hair in frustration.

"Fine. Two hours, no more."

"No less." He replies with a smile. "Oh and Four, take a goddamn shower. You smell like last week's leftovers."

**Hope you liked it! I'll try and update soon and please leave feedback, the good, the bad and the downright scary:)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi thanks for the great reviews! I'm really happy at least one person liked it otherwise that would be awkward... ANYWAY here's the next chapter. Don't forget the feedback:)**

******Disclaimer: Any and all characters and settings belong to the amazing Veronica Roth and the Divergent series:) (Memories are based on parts of Insurgent so the dialogue is basically the same and it belongs to Veronica Roth)**

_**CHAPTER 2: For damaged parts are unwanted**_

I walk outside, squinting in the early morning sun. Shauna, Christina and Zeke are waiting out on the cracked road chattering amongst themselves. I lock the door and dawdle over to them. All conversation abruptly stops and I'm left listening to birds chirping, oblivious to everything but their own happy world. I envy them.

"Hey Four," Christina says with a warm smile.

I nod in acknowledgement shoving my hands deep into my pockets. Zeke and Christina exchange a look before Shauna ushers us along with her wheel chair. "We're gonna miss the train!" she says, ramming our ankles to move us along.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Zeke says before moving around behind the chair and planting a sloppy kiss on her cheek. I turn away before the see the tears in my eyes. "Come on then." I say gruffly before walking off in long strides down the street.

We wind though the broken city, seeing remnants of the old way but also the new way. Old abnegation houses painted new colours that give them personality, faction clothes all mixed together, new buildings created from the rubble of the old, this is our world. A world slowly yet surly rebuilding itself, covering the cracks, mending the broken, changing our ways, this is our world.

A world I no longer fit into.

I'm not mending. I'm broken beyond repair. I haven't changed. I still wear my old dauntless clothes. I don't fit into this world because who would want a damaged part in a new machine. It doesn't serve a useful purpose and is likely to break again. When parts are damaged, you get rid of them. So I don't' fit into this world. I'm the damaged part.

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We reach the platform and wait for the train. When the driver sees Shauna, he pulls on the breaks. You may say it would be easier for us to find an ulterior motive of transport because of the chair but we're dauntless. You throw a challenge at us and we'll tackle it twice as hard. The trains were part of our life's everything made sense. We may not have been living in the perfect world but we knew the rules, the boundaries, life was fairly predictable. Our lives back then were something we all took for granted. It's nice to have this link between then and now. Between the understood and the unknown.

Zeke lifts Shauna out of her chair and I hoist it onto the train. Once we're all in the train starts again. I move to the door and look out to the city. A memory washes over me.

_I sit on the edge of the train car, looking out to the city as the brisk wind rushes past me. The Factionless are taking us to someone who has apparently been looking for me. I have a bad feeling. A small pair of legs appear by mine as she eases herself down beside me. "Do you know who it is?" she asks. I nod. "Who, then?" Her eyes shine in the darkness. "It's hard to explain," I say. "I have a lot to tell you." She leans against my arm and a warm feeling of happiness sweeps over me. "Yeah," she says. "So do I." _

"Four?"

I'm thrown back into reality and nearly topple out of the train. I swear I can still feel the slight pressure of her leaning onto me and the soft flutter of her breath on my arm. I look to my left but she isn't there. Hope I didn't know I had plummeted to the pavement and I slumped against the wall.

"Four?"

I look over to them and meet three sets of worried eyes. "I'm fine."

"You spaced out for a minute there. You nearly fell out the door."

"I'm. Fine." I say with a warning glare before turning to look out the door again.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The rest of the ride is fairly uneventful. They talk amongst themselves, I stare out the door. They ask me a question, I stare out the door. Zeke punches me on the arm for ignoring him; I punch him in the face and go back to staring out the door. The train begins to slow as we reach the gate, which is left open now. We follow the same drill as we did getting on the train then we walk along the muddy track towards the farms.

Compared to the city, Amity compound hasn't changed other than the people inhabiting it. It's still standing for one fact and it was out of reach of the conflicts, so it suffered no damage. The farms are thriving. People come here and trade things so they can walk around the farms and collect food.

Zeke and Shauna race off towards the fields, without a second glance back but Christina stops. "You coming?"

I look out at the smiling faces and laughing children. People who are happy and living their lives.

"Four?"

"I'm going to go for a walk. See you later." I turn and walk off before she can say anything else.

I wander around aimlessly, shoving my hands into my pockets. I seem to have adopted this habit sometime over the past few years. It seems to offer a sense of security in a world where I feel bare, exposed and scrutinised. I find myself wondering down the same line of trees where she found me all those years ago when she was literally tripping under peace serum. A memory surfaces and the world disappears.

_I duck under low hanging branches and dawdle down the line of trees. The sun warms my face and burns the sky. I lean against the trunk of a broad tree and gaze into the distance. _

_She's not doing herself any favours. She's going to get kicked out before we've even figured out a plan. I'm suddenly pulled from my musings by a voice I'd know anywhere. _

"_Four!" Pause. "Four! Where are you?" Her voice has an unfamiliar girly aspect to it which tells me something is wrong. _

"_Tris?" I ask unsurely walking around the tree and she giggles. _

_Something is very wrong. _

_I'd say she runs toward me but run would be a strong term. Its more she lollops towards me before nearly falling on her face. I grab her by the waist and eye her carefully. _

_Her cheeks are flushed and an dopey grin is plastered on her face. If it wasn't for the fact that I am concerned about what they've done to make her this way, it would be hilarious. _

"_What did they—" I start but am stopped by Tris bouncing up on her toes and kissing me. My insides turn to fire but I end it otherwise I'll never find out what's happened. She sighs and pokes out her bottom lip. _

"_That was lame. Okay, no it wasn't, but . . ." She tries to kiss me again but I stop her by pressing a finger to her lips. _

"_Tris what did they do to you? You're acting like a lunatic," I say gruffly while se bounces on the balls on her feet. Her lips turn down. _

"_That's not very nice of you to say. They put me in a good mood, that's all." The dopey grin reappears. "And now I really want to kiss you, so if you could just _relax_—" _

"_I'm not going to kiss you. I'm going to figure out what's going on," I say, weighing the my options of asking her to walk or dragging her to Johanna's office so I can get rid of this giggly, not-Tris and have my Tris back._

_She pouts then the bloody dopey grins back. "_That's_ why you like me! Because you're not very nice either! It makes so much more sense now." She exclaims in wonder. _

_I let out a huff of frustration. _

"_Come on, we're going to see Johanna," I say, already eyeing the door. _

"_I like you, too." _

"_That's encouraging," I say flatly even though my heart squeezes at her comment. _

_She wanders round in circles, smiling at the sky. "Come _on_." I say tugging on her arm but she just stumbles and giggles more. 'Looks like dragging it is.' _

"_Oh, for God's sake. I'll just carry you." _

_I swing her small frame up into my arms and she plants a sloppy kiss on my cheek. As I head towards the door she starts kicking her legs. I speed up._

I stop by the same tree I was leaning against that day. Some part of my brain thinks that if I just wait here she'll come bursting through that door, giggling and stumbling and I'll be grateful, because this way, I can have her back. A few hours of giggling and my Tris will be back.

I beat that thought into the back of my head. 'She's not coming back.' I think to myself.

A commotion to my right causes me to turn and look toward the compound. A group of people have entered the compound and are brandishing guns. I straighten up and start jogging towards the doors. I stop just outside and poke my head around the corner.

People in paper gowns like the hospital ones are standing around the edges of the cafeteria aiming guns at the families eating there lunch while a middle aged man yells a bunch of jumbled words and waves his gun around.

My brain starts tapping into its dauntless instincts when I see it. My knees weaken and I fall to the ground.

A head of blond hair, a set of pale blue eyes and three ravens piercing my heart.

**Oooooo... I'll try and update soon so yea. Please leave feedback, the good, the bad and the downright scary:)**


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